The Afternoon Adventures of Edward and Willy
by 22blue
Summary: A one shot written for the Support Stacey Auction. Smutty, vulgar, and meant for fun. AH, borderline crackfic. Rated M
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

**This is a one shot written for Askthemagic8ball and sncmom who bought my ass during the Support Stacie Auction a while ago. Luckily, the two of them are super sweet and patient… very, very patient. **** They gave me a costume prompt, and this is what I came up with. Big thank you to Mac214 for her stellar beta skills.**

**It is meant for fun. It is vulgar. And it is not safe for work. Enjoy.**

**##############**

_Ouch, ouch. Ahhh… there it is._

I smooth my hands down my sides against the soft, buttery leather. My god, it hugs me like a second skin.

_This looks good, and it kind of_ _feels good._ This surprises me.

I turn around and peek over my shoulder to check out my ass in the bathroom mirror. I really do have a nice ass, but these panties just won't do. The floss of the thong is cutting into me, and I think Willy might suffocate.

Willy is my dick.

It was hard enough tucking my package into the tiny piece of material so that he lay just right - and that is freaking insane: the tuck between the legs - but trying to get the underwear off? The elastic is so tight around my hips that I'm afraid I might rip out a few pubes when I pull them down, and I don't want to tear the panties. But to be honest, if it comes down to Willy's oxygen level and the panties staying in tact, Willy's going to win.

Hooking my thumbs into the black silk underwear, I begin to slide them down and carefully free Willy… yeah, I'm freeing the Orca. Bella was the one who named him and it stuck, and now it's like the three of us are a happy little family: me, Bella, and Willy. Sometimes I wonder if I should name her vag – I don't want it to feel left out. It's small and warm and pink and a little fuzzy. She keeps that thing trimmed nicely too, and it's pretty… like a flower. She has a pretty pussy, so it deserves a pretty nickname. Maybe Lily or Vanessa or Bunny. Kitten is a nice name too, though. But I'm feeling kind of partial toward Vanessa.

F_uck_, the damn corset is so tight I can't even bend over. The wire, or whatever the hell it is, cuts into my ribs, and that shit hurts. I start to shimmy, and Willy shakes back and forth, slapping against my thighs like a limp snake until the thong is at my ankles. I step out, and because I can't bend over, I pick them up with my toes. I do this move that would look really athletic, almost soccer-like, if I wasn't wearing a corset. Tossing the underwear up behind me, I catch them in my hand. I do have good coordination, if nothing else.

I jog over to the dresser, cupping myself because it doesn't feel good when Willy bounces up and down like that, and I have a little trouble breathing after the short jog because of being so constricted. I start to rifle through the underwear drawer, searching for something that might match. The corset is black leather trimmed in dark red – like hooker lipstick red, but it is a really pretty shade.

I'm not gay. I am so very _not_ gay or bi-sexual. "I'm just a little curious," I say to myself. It's not like I'm going to put on heels or anything.

As I'm digging through the drawer - _damn, she's got some sexy things in here_ - I find a pair of silky-cottony, boyish-like underwear, and I think they'll do. Willy might be a little squished, but they're stretchy cotton, and cotton is breathable. I'm not planning on getting a boner in the next five minutes either, so they should be fine. But now I have a problem. I can't bend over to put them on. It took me twenty minutes to figure out how to lace up the corset, and there's no way I'm going to take it off just to do it all over again.

I sit on the edge of the bed and slide my feet into the leg holes of the underwear, lift and roll my ankles to bring them up, and then lay back on the bed. Raising my legs straight up in the air, the underwear drops down over my knees, and I grab the hem, pulling them over my thighs. As I stand, I tuck in Willy and adjust the underwear around my ass. It's sliding up my crack, but I guess that's to be expected - Bella is really tiny.

Admittedly, I'm a little excited to see how it all looks together as I walk back into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror again, I frown a little. The black corset doesn't exactly match the black color or style of the underwear, so I'm really not getting the full effect of the outfit. For a second I think about buying a thong that might fit me, but then I push that thought out of my head because I'm not really into this kind of thing, and I don't plan on doing this on a regular basis.

The corset is part of a costume that Bella is wearing to a party we're supposed to go to tonight. I've already tried on my gunslinger costume, but that entertained me for all of ten minutes. Bella's not due home for another hour, there's nothing on TV, and I'm not tired enough to take a nap, so…

I quickly glance over at Bella's make-up and bite at my bottom lip as I contemplate for a second.

_Should I? _

Maybe just a little lip gloss, I decide, because now, fuck it, I'm all in. I tell myself I don't have some kind of weird fetish thing going on, and I'm not a closet transvestite from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. What's that guy's name? Oh yeah, Dr. Frankfurter. No, I'm not him or her… whatever. I'm just a little curious… and bored.

That's what this is: boredom.

I dig through small jars and tubes, looking for this stuff she wears sometimes until I finally find the clear tube with a silver cap. It tastes like vanilla and some kind of fruit. I really like it.

After I untwist the cap, I glide the sponge thing across my bottom lip – it smells nice, but it's a little sticky. I press my lips together to evenly cover them with the gloss, and with my pinky I wipe the excess from the corners of my mouth. I've watched her put on make-up a million times, so this is why I know what to do.

Straightening my back, I look in the mirror. My lips are shiny and they taste sweet, but now my skin looks really pale. I don't know if it's the way the lighting is in the bathroom or the shine of the lip gloss that's making me look this way, so I reach into her box of make-up and pull out the stick with the fur stuff on the end that she uses on her cheeks. There's like fifteen different shades of pink and peach powdery stuff in there, and I decide to try the dark pink because I think that will probably match best with the red trim of the corset.

I lean toward the mirror and say, "You're not gay." I chuckle out loud because I don't know why I feel the need to convince myself that I'm not… because I'm not. There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have a friend who's gay, at least I think he is, and I don't think he wears girl's underwear or corsets or is into the bondage thing. I don't know. It doesn't really matter. Being gay is fine; rainbows, pride, and all that shit… it's cool. It's just not my thing. I just prefer to dip my cock into something that comes pre-lubed. And tits… I like the tits; well, I like Bella's tits.

Running my fingertips over the fur on the stick, I feel badly about the gay thing. It's stupid really because people should do whatever the hell they want, and I'm not even sure liking the way the corset feels has anything to do with being gay in the first place. Who am I to judge? I'm standing in my bathroom about to put on make-up, liking the way this corset feels.

My attention is drawn back to the fur on the stick as I realize how soft it is. It's nice. I move it down my neck and under my chin and smile, glad that I shaved this morning, because it tickles a little. I'm sure it wouldn't feel the same if I had the whole five o'clock shadow thing going on.

After I'm fairly certain I have enough of the pink powder on the fur, I suck in my cheeks. Isn't that what chicks do? Or guys… I want to be politically correct now. I can't remember if Bella does this or not, so carefully, slowly, I slide the fur along my cheekbone – one side and then the other. I don't want to put too much on because then I'll definitely look like a transvestite hooker. I just need enough to give my skin a little color.

_Not bad, _I think checking out my work as I step back with my hands on my hips. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for doing such a good job. I could totally be a chick and a good-looking one too.

But I don't want to be.

I'm a man, and I like being a man. I like women and tits and pussy. No, I love pussy. I love it so much I think I might have to spend a little extra time on Bella's tonight after the party.

Willy starts to twitch as I think about going down on Bella. She likes it when I eat her out. The way she pushes her hips toward my mouth and grabs my head to pull me closer drives me fucking insane.

_Jesus_.

Willy's wide awake now. He's straining against the boyish-like underwear, and quite frankly, I need to release because if I spend as much time as I want to on Bella tonight, I want to be able to last even longer when I'm finally inside her pussy or her mouth.

_Shit_.

I'm imagining her soft, warm lips around my cock, sucking and licking it. I forget I'm wearing make-up and a corset as slip my hand inside the underwear, wrap it around my shaft and stroke. Right now I don't really give a shit because all I can think about is getting off.

Bracing myself against the vanity with one hand, I stroke harder and faster. I know my jizz is going to splatter against the sink and possibly drip down the front of the cabinet and onto the floor. I kick the rug to the side because Bella picked out this mat, and she'd be pissed if I ruined it. Besides, it'll be a lot easier cleaning jizz off a hard surface rather than trying to explain why the bath mat is in the washer. I know this is really disgusting, but I need to jack-off now, and because I'm still wearing the corset I can't get in the shower – I don't want to take the time to take the damn thing off. If I lay on the bed I run the risk of coming on the corset, and leather can't be washed, or pleather… whatever, it's a rental. I'm sure as hell not taking it to the dry-cleaners - no fucking way I'm going to try to explain that. So leaning against the sink it is.

I'm thinking way to much about this and focus on Bella's lips again. And her hot pussy, Vanessa. And her lips around Willy and my tongue flicking and sucking her clit. _Fuck_. My balls tighten, and I can feel it building, thinking about doing a sixty-nine with her. The corset is so tight I can hardly breathe. But it's weird; it feels kind of good… it feels really good - like all the blood is forced toward my dick. It's fucking intense.

Holy shit. Is this dangerous? I don't want Willy to explode, but I pump harder anyway because it's so fucking amazing. My entire body tightens as I get closer to the edge. I'm taking shallow breaths, and I sound like a fucking dog in heat, but fuck, it's so... _intense._

I grunt really loud, feeling light headed as I spew all over the vanity. It's like my cock is a fucking cannon, shooting jizz on the edge of the sink. I'm actually kind of proud of the power my dick has. I always thought Bella named it Willy after that whale in the movie because of its size, but now I think maybe it's because of the come-shooting, cannon-like abilities I possess that remind her of said whale spouting water through its blow-hole. Regardless, it's pretty awesome.

My legs are a little weak and shaky, and Willy twitches again as the last bit of come spurts out. I bow my head, panting, and the corset doesn't feel so good anymore. I feel like I'm being strangled, and have to choose whether I should take the corset off first or clean up the sink and floor.

I decide breathing is better than cleaning up partially dried jizz, so I rinse and dry my hands then reach around to untie the corset. Yeah, this fucker had to be tied, which is why it took me twenty minutes to put it on in the first place.

When I pull the lace in the back, nothing happens, so I yank a little harder. It's not loosening up… at all, and I spin around, looking over my shoulder in the mirror to see what the hell is going on.

_Fuck. Me._

It's knotted, and it's not like some kind of big knot that can be easily undone. No, it's a tiny fucker of a knot. I begin to panic a little, and I'm a bit sweaty too. The leather feels like it's either shrinking or sucking onto my skin because of the sweat – it's like some kind of alien-leach thing, and I'm starting to freak out a little. I'm breathing heavier because I can't breathe. My dexterity isn't all that great as I fumble with the knot – my fingers feel really fat, and my arms are cramping because they're behind my back in an awkward way. Tying it seemed so much easier.

I mumble a stream of profanities under my breath – the knot isn't loosening, in fact, I think it's getting tighter. Suddenly, all of the air feels like it's leaving my body, and I'm hot and dizzy – my vision starts to blur.

Oh my God, I'm going to die. I'm going to fucking suffocate and fucking die on the bathroom floor, wearing a corset and make-up. I clutch my chest, blowing out quick, shallow breaths, and now I sound like a woman in labor as I think of what my obituary might read. Emmett, my brother, would have a fucking field day with this. And I swear to God, I will haunt that motherfucker in his dreams if he mentions anything about this to anyone. My eyes widen as I think about my mother finding out. Oh Jesus Christ, she'll never forgive me – my eyes roll toward the back of my head and begin to flutter, thinking about how disappointed she would be, or shocked, or…

_Fuck. My. Life_. Or death as the case may be.

"Babe?"

My head shoots up toward the mirror, and I'm abruptly brought back to the present. Bella's home. _Shit_! Why the hell is she home so early?

I shove Willy back into the underwear, slam the bathroom door shut, then lock it. "Up here!" I yell - why the hell did I tell her where I am? Jesus Christ, I'm fucking panicking right now and really hope she doesn't come upstairs. I silently offer a deal to God. I tell him I'll donate a thousand dollars to a charity, or work in a soup kitchen, or volunteer at a hospital if he'll help me get out of this thing before Bella comes upstairs.

Taking a deep breath through my nose, I then blow it out through my mouth, trying to calm myself down. It doesn't really help so I do it again, and then one more time.

It's not working, but my vision seems to have returned to normal, and I think I can hear her climbing the stairs. She's tiny and all, but when she walks she sometimes sounds like an elephant.

I don't know what to do, and my elephant-stepping girlfriend is getting closer. My eyes scan the top of the vanity so fast, it almost hurts because I'm still dizzy as I look for something to saw my way out of this fucking torture device. Why the hell would anyone wear this?

All I can find is a nail file – that won't work; I don't have time to saw my way out… she's getting closer. She's talking, telling me about her day… I think. I'm not really sure because I'm not focused on what she's saying, so I answer with an "Uh huh," and "Oh yeah?" My voice sounds high in my ears as I wipe the gloss of my lips with the back of my hand.

I pull one of the drawers open with a lot of force, the contents inside rattle loudly, and she asks if everything is okay.

"Yeah, fine!" I answer, sounding probably a little too curt. I don't mean to, but I can't help it. I'm fucking panicking.

Something shiny catches my eye – it's a pair of tiny scissors. The handle of the bathroom door begins to move, followed by a soft knock.

"Edward? Can I come in? I missed you today, baby." Her voice is low and soft when she says she missed me.

Oh fuck… she's horny. Whenever Bella sounds like that she wants sex. Any other time would be fine, but not now. Please, God, not now. Speaking of God, I think he must think this is pretty fucking funny right now because clearly he is not going to take me up on my offer as Bella is right outside the door, and she's horny. That girl is fucking relentless when she wants sex, and I think that's one of the reasons why I love her so much.

"Um, no, babe. It's… uh… no!" My voice is shaky, and it's apparent there's something very wrong.

Bella bangs on the door a little harder - she's obviously concerned as she asks if she can come in.

_Ha ha, you're SO funny._ I silently say to the big guy upstairs, but then I think I better not fuck with him… lightning and all that.

"No! You can't come in!"

"Oh," she says quietly. Dammit, I think her feelings are hurt, and I promise myself I'll make this up to her later.

My heart is beating really fast, and I close my eyes, taking another calming breath through my nose, then blowing it out of my mouth. "I'll be out in a sec." Tilting my head toward the door, I can hear her elephant-steps grow quieter.

_Thank you._

My hands are shaky as I pick up the tiny scissors, wondering what exactly the purpose of these tiny scissors are, and quickly reach around to cut one of the laces.

"Motherfucker!" Evidently, I'm not as coordinated as I thought because I've just stabbed myself in the back.

I think I'm bleeding, and it sounds like there's a herd running toward the bathroom door. Bella jiggles the handle while yelling for me to unlock it.

"No, everything's fine!" I'm trying really, really hard to sound and stay calm as I look at the small amount of blood on the tips of my fingers. I think I might need stitches.

Bella's yelling, I'm yelling, she's banging on the door while I'm cutting through the lace, and then suddenly the door flings open, slamming against the tub. I freeze, my mouth hanging open, and my arms are behind my back. I can feel blood slowly trickle down my back from the gash where I've stabbed myself, but the lace is also cut, and the corset loosens immediately. I take in a deep, glorious breath, but I don't move... I can't.

Bella is also frozen, and her mouth is hanging open too. She closes it, then opens it again. She's not saying anything and neither am I. I don't know what to say. Bella tilts her head to the side, and I watch her eyes travel down toward Willy and then back up again. She looks at me, and she's clearly confused.

She takes a deep breath as her brow furrows – it forms this really cute 'v' - but she doesn't let it out. She just stands there, staring at me for what feels like minutes and then hours. I swallow audibly and grimace - my ribs are sore and my wound stings.

"Wh-... er... why are you... um." Bella chews the inside of her cheek and then squints, looking at my face. "You're wearing blush." She says this very matter of fact-like yet says nothing about the corset or her underwear. I wonder if she's in shock or simply ignoring the possibility that her boyfriend is a transvestite.

I have to come up with something quickly. Different explanations are running through my head like I'm drunk or sleepwalking, but I don't want to lie. I don't want to tell her that I was just bored and curious either. She's usually pretty laid-back about things though, so for a second I think she might think this is funny, but then again she might not.

As I straighten, I toss the tiny death blades onto the vanity and let my hands fall to my sides, and it feels so good to be able to breathe again. "Yeah. The costume party is tonight, remember?" _Shit_. I clench my eyes shut, realizing what I've just done. There's no way in hell I'm leaving the house like this. "I mean-"

"Oh my god! You're bleeding!" she screeches, looking over my shoulder into the mirror. Bella runs toward me, her bare feet slapping loudly against the ceramic tile floor, and grabs my shoulders to spin me around. "What did you do?" She shivers then blinks a few times, and I wonder if there's something wrong with her – maybe she's not feeling well or something. I'm not sure, but it's weird.

I look in the mirror, completely mortified by my reflection, and my head falls. I'm still shocked she hasn't said anything, but then I notice my whale jizz on the sink, the cabinet, and the floor.

"I cut myself," I admit, trying to block her view of the jizz with my body. It wouldn't be that noticeable if we picked out the white cabinets I wanted in the first place, but no, she wanted the blonde wood. My come is plainly visible, and it's starting to gross me out a little.

Bella grabs a washcloth from towel rack and turns on the water in the second sink to soak the cloth as I angle my body so she can't see the mess I've made.

"Yeah, I can see that."

I flinch as she presses the cold washcloth against my deep gash, and I'm still amazed that she hasn't said anything about my attire. "How bad is it?" I ask, bracing myself for the worst. I really don't want to go to the emergency room for stitches - it takes for-fucking-ever.

"You're fine, baby, it's just a little scratch. Nothing a Band-aid won't fix." Bella reaches toward the medicine cabinet, and as she does, she presses her boobs into my back and puts her hand on my hip, slipping her fingers inside the hem of the panties.

I cock an eyebrow, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She's smiling, biting her bottom lip.

"So, uh… no stitches?" I ask. I'm having a hard time believing it's not more serious than needing a Band-aid, and if she wants sex, I need to be sure I'm not going to gush blood all over the place.

For a second, I've forgotten how I'm dressed, but then she reminds me. "No," she answers and kisses my shoulder blade. "Do these feel good?" Bella's fingers are still inside the hem as she glides them toward my ass. She gives the underwear a quick tug, and they ride up my crack a little more.

"What? Does what feel good?" I know what she's talking about, but I'm still not prepared to give explanations.

"My panties, silly. Does Willy like them?" She's all breathy now, and Willy twitches at the mention of his name - like a dog being woken up from a nap.

"I-"

"I do." Bella slips her other hand on my crotch and begins to rub. "I need you, baby. I need you right now."

What the hell has gotten into her? I don't mind; in fact, I'm getting really hard, but this is not what I expected at all, and I think my girlfriend might be a little freaky. Not freaky in a bad way, but she likes this kind of shit and wants to get her freak on.

I'm really okay with this.

"What do you want?" I ask in a low, seductive voice and turn around. Bella hooks her fingers into the hem and leads me as she walks backwards toward the bed. I look down at the corset and back up again. She softly gasps, then smiles.

_What the hell?_

I'm not going to question her strange behavior because I'm really turned on by it. Her face is flushed, and she pulls her shirt over her head. As I reach behind me to unlace the corset, Bella quickly shakes her head, unhooking her bra and throwing it at me.

"No?"

"Leave it on," she commands. Okay, yeah… my elephant-stepping baby likes the freak.

Bella unbuttons her pants like she's in some kind of race, shoving them, along with her panties, down around her ankles and kicks them to the side. She starts making these small moaning sounds as she sits on the edge of the bed, spreading her legs.

"Are you… hungry?" she asks all raspy, gripping the blanket so tightly her knuckles are white.

Willy is struggling to free himself from the underwear, so I pull him out and give him a little stroke before I drop to my knees in front of Vanessa. "Are you all right?" Bella's really hot right now – fucking sexy as hell hot – but she's starting to worry me.

"Mm hmm… just, please Edward," she squeaks. Her hips are already moving, and I haven't even started yet. Clearly she needs me to get her off like right now, and I know that feeling, so I start to circle her clit with my thumb.

Christ, she's so fucking wet, and I'm convinced I need to buy a corset in my size.

"Yeah, baby. I'm hungry," I say.

Bella leans back on her elbows, arching her back and pinching her nipples. I think my dick has just grown another inch or two as she puts her thighs on my shoulders and moans.

I've never seen her like this before, and I fucking like it… a lot.

Just as my mouth touches her pussy, she thrusts her hips toward my face. I suck and lick the way I know she likes, and she's groaning as she grapples with the comforter. I moan into Vanessa – I need to tell her I've named it – because she goes nuts from the vibration as I suck her clit and then slip my fingers inside.

Something's wrong. Something is definitely wrong because the tips of my fingers are touching an object that was not there before.

Bella starts to writhe under my mouth, and she grabs the sides of my head, holding me in place as she comes. I pull my fingers out because I'm a little disturbed by what might be up there, but she's got a death grip on my head, and I'm afraid if I pull back I'll lose some of my hair.

"Oh god! Fuck… fuck… fuck," she yells. She's never come so fast before; her body is jerking and shuddering under my mouth. I'd like to think I have a magic tongue and exceptional sucking abilities that would go hand in hand with my whale-power coming talents, but for some reason, I don't think that's the case.

She flops back on the bed, finally releasing my head, panting. I'm both turned on and bothered at the moment.

I lean back on my ankles, wiping my mouth, and look at her. Her eyes are closed, and she has this sly smile on her face. My dick is throbbing because it wants inside Vanessa badly, but I need to know what is _in_ Vanessa before I let him go in there.

"Babe?" I ask, trying to sound casual.

"God, that was _sooo_ good."

"Yeah, thanks, but-"

Bella sits up, biting her lip as she slides her hand between her legs. She has a really coy look on her face, and then she slips her fingers inside of herself.

I'm totally baffled by what the hell is going on right now, and I can't speak, and my eyes are huge as I watch her pull out two metal balls by a string. They're clanging together as she holds the string between her thumb and forefinger.

"What is-"

"They're ben wa balls." She says this like I'm supposed to know what that means. I cock my head, staring at them. They look like one of those perpetual motion ball things people have on their desks for relaxation.

Bella rolls her eyes. "I bought some toys for us today."

My face lights up immediately. "You did?" She nods, smiling. She's so damn cute when she gets excited over something. But then my mind shifts, and I wonder if it was the things she had inside her that made her so horny and not the corset. I don't know why, but I'm a little disappointed because if that's true, then my talents and abilities might not be what I thought they were.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"I don't know. I just thought…" I shrug, looking down at the corset. I really should be excited to see what kind of toys she got, but I'm suddenly feeling a little insecure and emo.

"You thought what? Tell me." Bella slides off the bed and onto my lap. My cock is still hard as a rock, and she sinks down on top of me. She's so wet and warm and tight, and this is so much better than jacking off in the bathroom earlier. "Did you think I didn't like what you did for me?"

I look at her, my jaw slacks, and she's holding on to my shoulders as she moves her hips up and down. "Because I do."

_Fuck_. She thinks this was all a plan. This is good… my baby is most definitely a freak.

I grab her hips, guiding her up and down. "Do you?" I ask and lean in to kiss and lick her neck.

"Oh, yeah."

I move her faster her boobs are jiggling in my face, and I'm ignoring the cramp that's searing through my calf. That pain is nothing like what I felt earlier during my panic attack and then the stabbing, and now I think I can handle just about anything.

My god, she feels good, and I have a whole new respect for her. Not because of the kink, well, maybe a little, but mostly because she's just… fucking spectacular.

"Oh shit," I yell. My eyes are clenched, and everything tightens again. "Fuck, Bella." She's grinding and bouncing and grinding… it's so good. I can't think straight.

I'm seeing white stars behind my eyelids – Bella's mouth is on my neck, and she's licking and blowing on my skin. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_, I love her. _Fuck_.

"Come, Edward," she whispers. Her voice is so seductive, and I do. I come right then and there. It's the way she talks and her pussy – she's got some magical talent too.

I think with her magical pussy and my exceptional abilities, we should consider Vegas. Okay, no, that's stupid, but I'm just really gone right now. I'm spent, and I can't think straight.

A few moments pass, and we've moved onto the bed, both of us are relaxed and enjoying each other before we have to get ready for the party. Bella is lying in my arms, I'm starting to doze off, and I think she might be too.

She drapes her leg over mine and tilts her head back. "Sweetie?"

"Hmm?"

"You weren't thinking about wearing my corset to the party were you?"

"No." I'm almost afraid to ask - no, I _am_ afraid to ask, but I do anyway. "Why?"

"Well, you… um… don't get mad, okay?"

"I won't."

"Promise?" she asks.

"I promise."

"You kind of look like a transvestite hooker."

_And this is why I love my elephant-stepping freak of a girlfriend._

_The End._

**#########**

**Hope you liked it. There may or may not be more adventures for Edward and Willy – it depends on time, and I need to update Hints of Me! Sncmom, askthemagic8ball, and I discussed other fun adventures like: Edward and Willy go to the Zoo, Edward and Willy Have a Disagreement, Edward and Willy go to the Farmers Market, and Edward and Willy Get Arrested for Indecent Exposure, Edward and Willy Meet Vanessa… **

**Let me know if you'd like to see more. Thanks for reading. **


	2. Edward and Willy Bake a Cake

**A/N: No, I don't own Twilight. I do own the antics of Edward, Willy, Bella and Vanessa, though.**

**Thank you SFM to my beta and prereader Askthemagic8ball and sncmom. The start of the adventures for Edward and Willy is their fault, so I am very grateful the two of them are as twisted as me.**

**I hadn't planned on writing another adventure, but when Newton's Outficcers (www(dot)newtonsoutficcers(dot)com) and The Fictionators (****www(dot)fictionators(dot)com)**** rec'd the original one shot, let's just say I was a bit inspired to, ahem, blow the dust off and get writing. Thank you, ladies. **

**Also, huge thanks to Caren/Nerac for giving me an awesome name for Vanessella's present. Caren's is the first one, the second was askthemagic8ball. :) **

**Hope you enjoy. **

_**Edward & Willy Bake a Cake; Bella & Vanessa Get a Present**_

Today is Bella's birthday, and I am going to do something I've never done before. I'm baking a cake and not from a box either. Betty Crocker can kiss my ass - my baby is getting the real thing.

After Bella left for work this morning, I spent about an hour with Martha Stewart - damn she's an icy bitch - watching her on YouTube as she explained how to make a basic chocolate cake. She said it's easy, and I know I can handle this. I took the day off because not only was I going to make Bella a cake, but I had to pick up her present, too. I'm laughing to myself because I know how excited she's going to be when she sees what I got for her. She's wanted one for a long time, and she has no idea I've been secretly researching online for months. Okay, so, technically, I started looking a few months ago, but I have checked it out three or four times.

I am so getting a blow job tonight.

Bowls, measuring cups, flour, and a bunch of other ingredients are spread out on the kitchen counter. I even bought a mixer like the one Martha has when I was out this morning because if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this shit right.

Besides, the expense of the mixer is justified because Bella will use it a lot; she likes to bake. I start to think about how good her blueberry muffins are and if they'll taste even better if she uses the fancy black mixer with ten speeds and several metal stir things that can be attached to it. I get an idea to tell her the mixer is also part of her birthday present but then realize that's probably not such a great plan because chicks don't really like to get appliances for special occasions like birthdays or holidays. I wonder if it's a universal female thing and if it's okay to give a mixer or a vacuum in other countries and continents, but now I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about, so I think about Bella's blueberry muffins again. And then I think about eating her muffins while she's giving me head because she's so excited and has brought me breakfast in bed, and then I start to think about eating her muffin, Vanessa, and Willy twitches in my pants.

I give Willy a quick rub to calm him down and turn my attention to the YouTube video of Martha that's playing right now because I'm on a mission. Willy doesn't seem to like Martha and goes back to sleep fairly quickly. It'll be worth waiting for Bella to get home anyway because that girl gives fucking awesome blow jobs.

After I turn up the volume on my laptop, I read over the instructions I've written down, but Bella's present distracts me by whimpering.

"What's wrong, buddy?" I say to him.

He's sitting in his kennel, looking at me with his really big brownish-blackish eyes. He's just woken up, so I decide I better take him out to pee because he is a puppy, and the breeder said to take him out like every two hours or something. I forgot to ask if the breeder meant to take him out during the night, too. If he did, that's really going to suck. I guess I should call to verify.

Bella said she wanted either a Chihuahua or Saint Bernard. I opted for the Saint Bernard because there's no way I'm going to be emasculated being seen walking a little Chihuahua. Moreover, Saint Bernards are kick-ass dogs. I think I'll order one of those barrel things to go around his neck, too, because that would be pretty cool. I can even get his name etched onto it – once he gets a name. I'm hoping for something strong and simple, or maybe she'll name it after my favorite singer, Stevie Ray Vaughan – rest in peace, Stevie. I can totally see myself calling him Stevie Ray – this dog is going to be so fucking awesome.

I start singing _Pride and Joy_ as Stevie Ray pees in the backyard. He likes it and starts barking and wagging his tail. He's brown and white, and he really is cute. Bella's going to love him.

Goddamn, I am definitely getting a hummer tonight… and laid... at least twice.

Deciding that, without a doubt, I'm going to call him Stevie Ray until Bella gets home – because calling him dog is just stupid and a little rude - I let him run around the kitchen while I look over the cake directions again. I've hooked my iPod up to the dock, and Little Wing is playing. Bella and I always get into a debate over which version is better. I like Jimi Hendrix's vocals, and she likes Sting's, but clearly Stevie's - the human not the dog – guitar cover is the best.

Stevie Ray is chewing on the corner of a throw rug we have under our kitchen table, and this just won't do. Bella is going to freak out if she sees the rug snarled or frayed. She's really particular about things; she likes everything neat and tidy and has a weird aversion to dust bunnies.

I don't get it, but whatever. She's awesome, and I love her.

I scoop up Stevie Ray and put him back in his kennel. He's not too happy about this, so I give him the rubber bone shaped chew toy I bought for him and then switch my tunes to Pearl Jam. They're pretty chill, and I hope maybe they'll lull Stevie Ray back to sleep.

Bella always plays music when she bakes, and I understand why because, well, this shit is boring. She shakes her ass and shimmies when she moves around this kitchen, and it's hot.

Bella's got a great ass; her tits are kind of phenomenal, too. She doesn't even work out, and I think I'm pretty lucky about that because it's like she's got this fantastic body that just is.

As I'm measuring out flour and sugar, I think about what she did for me for my birthday; she shaved an 'E' on her pussy. Not only was it sexy as fuck, but I was impressed, too. I mean, she had to craft a letter of the alphabet with a razor upside down and backward on Vanessa. My baby's talented.

Willy wakes up as we both remember that night. I turn him toward Martha, but she doesn't seem to scare him away this time. In fact, he's getting even harder because he knows he's going to be taken care of in a few hours.

There's no way I can be expected to bake while Willy is trying to break free, so I put down the measuring cups and head upstairs to take care of him.

Once I get to the bedroom, I grab the lotion and then drop trou. I take off my shirt – because I don't want to take the chance of my jizz spurting on it - and then lie on the bed. I can't jack off in the kitchen because that's gross, and the one time I tried in the family room, my brother, Emmett, walked in unannounced. That was… awkward.

I do feel better now that Willy's got some room to breathe, but he's throbbing like crazy because there's a pair of Bella's panties sitting on top of the laundry basket. After pumping a little lotion in my palm, I wrap my hand around my dick and begin to stroke, staring at the panties. They're pink and lacy, and for a second I contemplate whether I might want to pick them up and give them a little sniff. I don't for obvious reasons, that's just sick, but I'm still looking at them.

Imagining what Bella's going to do to me when she gets home later overtakes my thoughts. As I close my eyes, I begin to fantasize about Bella walking into the kitchen wearing a white shirt and no bra. The shirt, somehow, is suddenly wet, and I can see her nipples plain as day. Her hair is wet, too, and then she does this naughty girl look thing by putting her index finger on her bottom lip as if she's trying to look all innocent.

Damn, she looks so fucking hot, and I move my hand faster. My balls start to tighten, and then the phone rings.

Fuck.

I can't concentrate on wet Bella because real Bella has set the phone to some stupidly annoying ring that's overly high-pitched which sounds like fairies sprinkling magic dust. That's all I can come up with because the sound makes no sense at all. With one hand wrapped around Willy, I pick up the phone with the other to check the caller ID.

Fuck again. It's Bella.

An image of wet Bella flashes through my mind, and I think maybe she can talk dirty to me while I'm jacking off. Sure, she's at work, but she can whisper. That would be incredibly sexy.

"Hello," I answer, my voice low and breathy.

"Why are you home? I called you at work, but they said you took the day off," she says, and she sounds either pissed or nervous. I can't really tell.

I didn't tell her I took the day off, and I can't lie to her, so I decide I'd better tell her some of the truth.

"I'm doing something for your birthday, baby," I admit. Closing my eyes again, I stroke Willy slower but firmer. "What are you doing right now?" I ask, changing the subject. She doesn't know that I'm changing the subject because asking what she's doing is a totally normal question to ask. Regardless, I'm really hoping she'll tell me she's all alone, touching herself. Squeezing my eyes even tighter, I'm focusing, willing for her to respond with a dirty comment.

"Working. Why are you breathing so funny?"

Clearly, I do not have telepathic abilities.

"No reason." _She's all wet, and we're in the copy room of her office. She locks the door and rips open her shirt. Her tits bounce… _"Is anyone around?"

"Are you whacking off, Edward?" she asks quietly. "Is _that_ what you're doing for my birthday surprise?"

She sounds offended.

"Do you want it to be?" I smirk, attempting to make her laugh. Maybe I shouldn't be so cocky because I am, in fact, at home jerking off while she's stuck at work on her birthday, and that's really not cool.

"Uh, no," she deadpans.

There are a few moments of silence on the phone, but I don't alter my pace nor do I think about stopping. I feel guilty, but Willy needs release.

I hear shuffling through the phone, and then she whispers, "Vanessa wants a giant Willy cake for her birthday. She wants _a lot_ of cream filling… A lot."

I gasp, totally surprised and pleased and think I very may well have telepathic abilities. "I fucking love you," I say, grinning from ear to ear. "What else does she want?" I've lowered my voice, trying to sound seductive. I think if she gets all riled up at work and can't do anything about it, she'll be ten times hornier when she gets home.

Goddamn, I love birthdays. I think we'll start celebrating half-birthdays, too. Maybe even quarter-birthdays.

"How about my tongue rolling around her clit or my mouth sucking on her," I say, and fuck if I'm not turning myself on. "Would she like that?"

"Mmm," Bella purrs. "Yeah, and fingers. Vanessa wants two fingers and your mouth at the same time." She pauses, and I hear more shuffling. "No, I can't use green. I need the black one."

"What?"

"I need to put you on hold for a minute, sir. Just _hang_ on."

Bella doesn't even wait for me to respond before putting me on hold, and now there's this irritating music playing. Fuck. Willy's never going to come. He's still hard, but I'm starting to lose my mojo, listening to an instrumental version of _Kokomo_.

_Kokomo_ has morphed into some other song that I have no idea what it is. It's slow, though, and kind of soothing. My hand is tired, and so is Willy.

Moving my weary hand to my balls, I give them a nice rub then scratch. I can't hang up on Bella, but I also can't masturbate to whatever the hell kind of elevator music is playing now either. It would really suck if I can't get off right now. There's no way I'd be able to give all of my attention to baking her cake – it's not like I can just come on demand - the afternoon would just go to shit.

I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Thank God, Bella doesn't take too much longer and comes back on the phone before Willy completely deflates.

He's like Pavlov's dog in a way; as soon as I hear her voice he perks up because he knows he's going to get a treat. Speaking of dogs, Stevie Ray is still awake and is yapping downstairs. I need to take care of business first before I can tend to him, so I quickly get off the bed, the phone clasped to my ear, and jog over to close the door with my foot. I'm holding Willy with one hand and the phone in the other while I've trotted from the bed to the door and back to the bed again.

"Sorry about that, baby," Bella says. "Now, where were we?"

I'm so excited she's into this. Phone sex is hot.

I shift into a comfortable position on the bed and close my eyes, trying to bring back the image of wet Bella. My heart's beating a little fast because I've just ran around the bedroom, so I take a deep breath to try to relax.

"I think I was asking you if Vanessa wants my mouth on her," I say and begin my ministrations for Willy again.

Bella sighs exasperatedly. "No, Edward. We moved on to your fingers _and_ your mouth. Keep up, I only have five minutes."

_Geez, sorry. _

"Okay, sorry, honey. Um…" I start to chuckle, thinking about what I want to say. It's got to be really good since we don't have much time, and I'm sort of laughing because I'm excited about the phone sex – we haven't done this in a long time. "Okay, okay, I've got it… I'm going to curl my fingers inside her and lick her all over. At the same time, I'm going to palm your tit and rub your nipple with my thumb. Would you like that, baby? Tell me. Tell me you would."

Oh fuck, I'm so damn horny right now and pump Willy faster and harder.

Bella clears her throat and whispers, "Yes, I want that. And then I want to kiss you after you've gone down on Vanessa, Edward. I'm sliding my hand into my panties right now. Oh, I'm so fucking wet, Edward. I need Willy inside me." She starts to giggle.

"Shhh, don't laugh," I say; it's distracting. "I'm going to do things to you tonight, baby. You're going to beg me to stop."

"Tell me."

"After I eat out Vanessa, I'm going to kiss you so you can taste it, and then I'm going to fuck you. Bella, I'm going to fuck you slow and then hard. I'm going to fuck you on our bed and then against the wall. I'm going to make you come so hard and so many times you won't be able to move for hours. Do you want that?" My heart is pounding, and I'm panting. My legs are stiff, and my balls feel like they're going to explode. I'm about to come, and I hope she says something mind blowing soon because that would be perfect – coming while she's talking dirty to me.

"In the ass, Edward." She sounds sort of muffled; her hand must be cupped over the receiver. "Do you want to take me there?"

My eyes pop open from the thought. I'm not really sure if I do. I think I do – we've talked about this before, but she's never actually confirmed this was something she definitely wanted to try.

Hell, yes. I'm in.

"Yeah, baby. I do. I'm-"

"Oh, shit, sweetie. Gotta go."

Bella hangs up on me. Dammit. Jacking off shouldn't be this difficult, but at the same time I hope her boss didn't catch her.

I continue my rapid strokes, fantasizing about fucking wet Bella from behind. I picture her sweet ass in my hands, and I imagine watching myself push into her and her squealing with delight. She peeks over her shoulder at me, pieces of her wet hair hanging in her face then licks her lips all porno style.

I'm almost there, and ignoring the cramp in my bicep I squeeze harder and pump even faster. Willy spurts a stream of jizz onto my stomach; it's not ideal, but it feels so damn good. Believe me, I'd much rather be spewing inside one of Bella's crevices rather than on my own stomach or thighs, but a man's got to do… et cetera, et cetera.

As I'm lying on the bed, I'm almost drunk from post-come bliss. I worked hard for this one, and now I'd really like to take a nap. But I have Willy's whale jizz on me and most likely the blanket, too, so I'll need to throw it into the wash and take a shower.

Once I've gotten cleaned up and started the washer, I head back into the kitchen to finally make this cake. Stevie Ray is sleeping, and I'm a little jealous because I'm tired, too.

I can't remember exactly what I've already added to the bowl – I'm fairly certain it's just the flour and cocoa powder. I don't think I've added the salt.

Shit. What if I already added the salt? I rake my hand through my hair. It's just a little, so will it really make that big of a difference? Fuck. I have no idea, and I really want this cake to be perfect for Bella. I add more.

I play the YouTube video again, Martha's cackling away – my God she's annoying – and watch how she adds ingredients into the electric mixer's bowl. I imitate her movements, determined to do this right.

Thirty minutes later, everything is added and mixed and poured into two round metal pans. I've forgotten to preheat the oven, though. As far as I'm concerned it's not that big of a deal. I slide the pans on the top rack and then set the oven to 350 degrees. I set the timer and get ready to make the icing.

Oh, yeah, I'm making the icing, too. I'm really proud of myself because this is nowhere near as hard as I thought it might be.

I'm feeling pretty confident in my baking abilities, so I shut down my laptop and pop in the earbuds for my iPod. I'm jamming to the Foo Fighters as I melt butter and sugar and all the other things that go into chocolate icing.

I wonder if Bella will let me eat the icing off her?

I bet she will. That thought makes me smile.

As I'm stirring, bobbing my head and getting my groove on, I glance over toward Stevie Ray. He's still sleeping – he's such a good dog.

"There goes my hero… watch him as he goes," I start to sing. "There goes my hero…  
he's ordinary." I think I have a pretty good voice and continue to sing – not too loudly, though, because I don't want to wake Stevie Ray. I'm in the zone, and I don't want to break it to take the dog out for a leak.

The icing seems to be doing what it's supposed to be doing, so I turn off the burner and grab the handle of the pot.

"Motherfucker!" I scream, dropping the pot on the floor. I've just burned my hand on the handle. My hand is red and throbbing, and there's chocolate splattered all over the floor and the cabinets. "Shitfuckshit!"

Yanking the earbuds out of my ears, I throw them on the counter and race to the sink to run my hand under cold water. It hurts like hell, and now I think my palm and fingers are going to blister. Not only is the idea of that disgusting, but how am I going to grab Bella's sweet ass with an injured hand? And it's my right hand no less. I'm not ambidextrous, so if Bella wants my fingers tonight, I'm not confident I'll be able to hit her special spot with my left hand.

I'm so fucked.

Stevie Ray is whining in his cage; he's scared.

"It's okay, Stevie Ray, it's okay," I console him. "Daddy's going to be fine." _Whohohoa. Daddy?_ Okay, that concept is just… no. "Edward's going to be just fine," I correct.

My hand is still throbbing, and it stings, and now I have to clean the icing off the floor. Stevie Ray wants out of his kennel, but I can't let him near the chocolate. Everyone knows chocolate kills dogs. I love Stevie Ray and don't want anything to hurt him.

After I've applied first aid cream to my hand and wrapped it in gauze, I glance at the clock. I still have a couple of hours before Bella will be home, so maybe I can run to the store and buy some frosting from the bakery after I've mopped the floor. They sell that, right? I don't know, but I don't want empty Betty Crocker containers in the trash either. It will definitely take away from my efforts.

The kitchen is icing free, the cake is cooling, and I've taken Stevie Ray out to do his thing in the yard. He's so cute as he looks up at me with his big eyes, so I decide I'm going to take him with me to the store. He's scared and I'm not putting him back in his kennel; if anyone has anything to say about me bringing a dog into the grocery store, well, they can just kiss my ass.

The trip to the store went better than expected. No one said a word to me about Stevie Ray, in fact, if I were single, the trip would have gone extremely well. Little Stevie Ray is quite the chick magnet.

I've returned home, and the house smells really good from the cake. I wash my hand not hands as in plural, just one because I'm injured, and washing only one hand is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I think about how I'm supposed to shower or wash my hair with one hand. I refuse not to be able to clean my body, and then I think about Bella washing my hair for me. Willy starts to wake up as I think about sitting with her in the tub, and she's washing my hair. I think my wounded hand may not be such a bad thing.

Shaking off that fantasy before I need to go whack off again– dammit! How the hell am I going to masturbate with my left hand? Willy has gone back into hiding; I think he's scared.

I sigh heavily and walk over to the counter to inspect the cakes. There's something really wrong. The tops aren't raised or level – they're sunken. They looked perfect when I took them out of the oven, so I'm not sure what happened. This is very disappointing.

Stevie Ray is running around the house, barking; he wants to play. I don't really have time to play with him right now, though, so I just let him do whatever it is he's doing. I think Bella and I will need to discuss putting him in a doggy day care while we're both at work. I don't like the idea of leaving him home all day by himself.

As I try to manipulate taking the cakes out of the pans to put them on the plate with my left hand, I start to think if a doggy day care would be a good thing. Are there dog bullies at these places? Will the people working there let him out to pee when he needs to go? I'm just not sure about this – maybe my mom can babysit him.

The cake is coming out in pieces. Now I'm pissed. And frustrated.

Fuck this.

Fuck you, Martha Stewart. Fuck you right up the ass.

I try to mold the cake into a normal, round cake shape, but it looks awful. Maybe I can cover it up with the icing. I really hope I have enough. I'm able to slop the icing on it and spread it around rather well. I'm almost convinced it looks good – and edible. I put the next layer on, in pieces, and then mold that around, too. It starts to sink into the bottom layer.

Now I'm really pissed, like very much so. And I swear to God, I'd let Martha Stewart fuck me in the ass with a strap-on right now if she would show up to fix this mess. Betty Crocker, too. They could both use strap-ons, and the two of them could go to town on my ass if they could just, please God and all that's holy, come to my house and fix this stupid cake.

Fuck you, Martha and Betty.

Stevie Ray is sitting a few feet away from me, staring at me. He looks worried, and I don't want him to be scared.

"Can you cook?" I ask. He cocks his head. "Can you, little buddy?" I say in a high voice. He wags and barks. He's getting really excited, running in circles, yapping, and then he pees on the floor.

_Fuuuuck, Stevie Ray._

I purse my lips and narrow my eyes at him. "Bad dog." I say. I don't yell at him, but I think I sounded firm enough. He cowers and goes to his kennel.

After closing the door, I clean his mess off the floor, wash my hand, then get back to the cake. Could this day get any worse?

Two hours have passed, and I hear the front door open. I've fallen asleep at the kitchen table.

"I'm home, baby!" Bella yells. The sound of her heels hitting the floor in the foyer are then followed by her feet slapping loudly against the hardwood as she charges toward the kitchen. I'm startled by the thunderous sound of her elephant steps and instinctively grab onto the table.

"Stay right there!" I order. I don't want her to see Stevie Ray until I show her my work of art. The cake came out really well. Before I fell asleep, I pondered the idea of taking baking classes. I think I could be really good at it if someone other than Martha was teaching me.

Bella is waiting in the hall that leads into the kitchen, and I approach her with the cake. She immediately smiles, and this has made the day so worth all of the shit I've been through.

"Did you do that?" she squeals, and I nod. "What happened to your hand?"

"I had a minor accident. I'm okay, baby, no need to worry."

Her lip gets pouty, and she looks so damn sexy. I take in the skirt and shirt she's wearing. The shirt is a little tight around her tits, and I don't think I'm too happy about that. But for now it works.

Bella takes the cake from my hand and puts it on the table that's next to us. "You worked hard today, didn't you, baby?" she asks, and again I nod, but this time I'm smiling. It's the way she's talking to me that's making me happy. "You baked for me and you hurt yourself."

I sigh. "It's because I love you, sweetie."

Bella walks me back into the wall and then starts to unbutton my jeans. She doesn't say anything, and Willy is ready. Jesus, he's so ready for this.

She tugs my pants down around my ankles and gently frees Willy from my boxers. Within seconds, she's got her mouth on my cock.

Goddamn, I love birthdays.

Bella's going nuts on Willy, and I've got my good hand threaded in her hair. Her mouth feels so good it should be illegal. I'm not even kidding.

I'm so into what she's doing right now, I think – I can't be sure – but I think Stevie Ray is crying. Bella stops mid-suck and looks up at me with my dick halfway in her mouth. She quirks an eyebrow, and her eyes move toward the direction of the sound.

Stevie Ray barks, and Bella's eyes widen to the size of golf balls. I was so close to coming right before that. Shit. She releases my cock with a slurping pop and sits back on her heels.

"What's that?" she asks, practically eye to eye with Willy.

I still have my good hand on her head, and I twirl a piece of her hair around my finger. "Don't you want to finish this first, baby?" I ask, nodding toward Willy.

Stevie Ray barks again.

_Shut up, dog._

Bella stands and grabs my dick. She starts pumping as she's kind of bouncing up and down. "Edward… what is that?" she asks again and has a huge smile on her face.

Does she not know how distracting it is when she's obviously not focused on me? I close my eyes and try to shut out everything around me but Bella's hand on Willy.

"Shhh, it's a surprise. I'll show you in a minute."

She giggles, but damn, I love her so much because she doesn't stop with her hand job. A few minutes later, I'm coming all over her hand and wrist and a little down her arm. I really do have whale-like coming skills.

Once Bella decides I'm finished, she drops Willy and thunders into the kitchen. I kind of want to ask her to take it easy because she's certainly going to scare Stevie Ray, but I don't; it might hurt her feelings.

After she's washed my jizz off her arm, she takes the dog out of the kennel and holds him up to her face. He's licking and slobbering all over her cheeks and chin… it's a little repulsive.

"Oh my god, Edward! I love him! Thank you so much, baby!" It's clear the two of them are going to get along very well. I never really doubted this, but I'm very happy with my choice of dog.

"You're welcome." I smile as Bella walks toward me and offers me a kiss. I raise my hands to stop her. "Nuh uh, baby. You're going to have to wipe off your face first."

She looks a little hurt, so I kiss her on the forehead.

Bella holds Stevie Ray up to her face again, and in a baby voice she says, "What am I going to name you? Oh, you're just so cute I want to eat you up!"

"I have an idea," I offer, and Bella looks at me hopefully. "Stevie Ray."

Bella's forehead and nose crinkle up and she shakes her head. "That's a silly name," she says to me.

I'm crushed. It's a good name, and we've already bonded. If she calls him something else he might get confused.

She looks back toward the dog and in the same baby voice says, "You're not a Stevie Ray, are you? Nooooo, you're a Mr. Whizzles. Yes, you are. You're Mr. Whizzles."

**_/'/'/'/'/'/'/_**

**_Two days later… _**

"Edward, you have to be firm so we can housebreak him." Bella's standing with her arms folded across her chest. She's not angry, but suddenly she thinks she's the dog whisperer. "Try again."

I'm completely exasperated, and sigh. We're in the park and it's a nice day, so there are a lot of people around. A couple of guys are walking by, and I mumble, "Go potty, Mr. Whizzles."

"Edward!"

"Fine," I concede. In a louder voice, and one that I'm sure anyone can hear who's within a ten foot radius, I say through gritted teeth, "Go potty, Mr. Whizzles!"

The dudes are laughing, and I smile curtly. It's okay, though, because even though I'm not allowed to call Mr. Whizzles by his true name, Stevie Ray, which I secretly do behind Bella's back anyway, I guarantee those guys who have just walked by don't have an elephant-stepping girlfriend who not only has mad hummer skills but also allows them to experiment with her ass.

**/'/'/'/'/'/'/**

**A/N: Thanks for reading. There will be more adventures, but as stated in the a/n of the previous one, it all depends on time. I'm getting close to the finish line with _Hints of Me_, and I've started a new fic, _Dragonflies_. It would be awesome if you checked them out.**

**All my best!**


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